(Personal photo of myself with my stuffed cat, Fuzzy, who never left my side.)
I enjoy having too much to do and not enough time to do it
in. At least, that’s why I’ve said when people questioned how I managed to take
twenty hours a semester, work two jobs, and be involved with student
organizations and productions.
Their follow-up: “What’s wrong with you?”
My response: “Lots of things.”
I use humor as a way to hide my true feelings. I’ve become a
master of disguise—a master of everything is okay. I have high-functioning
anxiety. I feel this overwhelming urge to try to do everything because I have
this gripping fear of missing out or messing up and becoming an outcast. I
remember in Kindergarten, I was so frustrated that my sixes looked like
whales. We had to write the number six over and over and over, and I kept
erasing and erasing because I thought that they were the worst sixes I ever
saw. Eventually, I gave up and hid the assignment in the dark recesses of the
junk drawer. (The only time I never turned in an assignment—I assure you!) I
felt this strong need to establish perfection in everything I did. I strove to
always have the “right” answer. I hate excuses, and I have made myself sick in
pursuit of trying to do too much. In my senior year of high school, my immune
system crashed. I had barely any white blood cells, and they weren’t completely
sure what was wrong with me. I had my blood drawn and tested almost every day
until my white blood cells were finally considered (on the very low end) of
normal. Looking back, I’m not surprised that I became so sick. I would sleep an
average of five or six hours a night. On average, between activities, I was
at school for over twelve hours every day. I would try to get a quick nap in at
lunch or work on homework to attempt to get a little extra sleep that night.
Looking back on it now, I want to laugh and say that I’ve
changed. I’m only taking thirteen hours this semester before graduating in May.
Although I look at today and realize I went to work in the School of Drama
Office at 9:30 this morning. Then came home at 5pm to work on homework and eat
before I have to go back to school at 6:30pm until 11pm for rehearsal. I love
what I do. I am excited to work in the School of Drama Office. I can’t wait to
go to rehearsal tonight. I’m enjoying this class. I really do enjoy being busy. In fact, I get really depressed when I have free time. I feel like I’m squandering away
the few precious moments I have on this Earth by taking a day off. Some will
call this driven. Others will call this crazy.
I started attending therapy last year, and it is one of the
best decisions I have ever made. Although, I feel like I haven’t changed much
in practice. My own perception of myself has changed a full 180 degrees. While
that is in part to therapy, it’s also in part to my experiences at the
University of Oklahoma. I’m very fortunate to be surrounded by my encouraging
and supportive School of Drama family. When I went in for my final evaluation,
my professors told me that I need to work on not doing so much. I need to take
time for myself and learn to say no. Throughout my time here, they helped me learn that it’s okay to
make mistakes. It’s natural and a part of life, and it is not the end of the
world. They’ve taught me to be kinder to myself. They’ve helped me realize the
importance of mental health. Many artists struggle with that issue, and they
are very open about their own experiences. This is probably way more than you
wanted to know about me. You probably would rather know that I have five
siblings (two brothers and two half-sisters). I’m the oldest. I have my library
card number memorized. I wrote a rap as one of my essays into the University of
Oklahoma. I got a 33 on the ACT with a perfect 36 on the science portion, and
it’s really dumb, but I’m super proud of that. I’m more proud that I received the
Mary Gray Thompson Award for Outstanding Contributions to the Activities of the
University of Oklahoma Weitzenhoffer Family College of Fine Arts. I’ve also
started working professionally as an actor this year. I’m in commercials for
OERB and Main Event. I also got to meet Ted Levine, the guy who played Buffalo
Bill in Silence of the Lambs, earlier
this year on set. I wrote a full length play last year. My favorite movies are
The Imitation Game and His Girl Friday. Now you know everything you wanted to know about me and more.
On that note:
Hello, and welcome to me.
(Quote from Little Women by Louisa May Alcott that I painted.)
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